Aug 19, 2022
"It's All just a Big, Freaky, Wonderful, Game!" ~Elizabeth Gilbert
In Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Big Magic" she discusses if it's better to be a trickster, like Buggs Bunny or a martyr, like Sir Thomas More. I'm not POSITIVE that I want to be a trickster. But I'm sure that I DON'T want to be a martyr, which apparently is my natural inclination. Well, WHO would really want to play the role of "victim?" I'm sure I don't. Yet that concept creeps up over and over unrecognized, until Whoosh! I SEE IT! My suffering is of my own making.
"'What is his sorrow?' she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, very nearly in the same words as before, 'It's all his fancy, that: he hasn't got no sorrow, you know.'"
I am torturing myself constantly with my love. It's completely nutz! I don't allow myself to love what I love! I feel held back from it. When I ask myself, why don't I think I deserve to have what I love, the answer is always the same: no good reason! Most recently, I'm talking about loving things like: whales and boats and fishermen. I feel like I have no right to consider these things I'm nutz for, as real parts of my life, like I'm an interloper or something. True, I know next to nothing about the ins and outs of boats or fishing. I DO know alot about whales from reading. But my god, I'm not dead! I can still learn. I am learning. I love learning! And I love the whales, the boats, and the fishermen!
Somehow, I think holding myself back from what I love has something to do with playing the martyr and forgetting to, I don't know - PLAY! Why do I make everything so FROUGHT all the time? And is it in my power to CHANGE that? I think with lots of work, it IS. Life is a gift and love is a treasure! Living in this seaside town is a choice I would make 100X over!
And the sorrow. Dear God, the sorrow! the completely fantastic sorrow, that could just as well be joy if I let myself imagine THAT and not be so bloody intimidated.
I want to change! I want to enjoy the things I enjoy! I want to love the things I love and stop hiding. Of course it's scary! But it's just a big, freaky GAME. I like freaky. No one is actually gonna get hurt, unless I imagine that.
I am already changing...
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